It’s not always easy to decode women’s speech.  For one thing, women speak a lot more than men do – 20,000 words a day on average, versus 7,000 per day for men. 

So what in the world are women talking about all the time?  In an effort to bridge the gender gap, we’ve compiled the following glossary of terms to help serve as a translation guide for how to speak female.

This list is just the beginning.  Please send us your own suggestions to add to the glossary at the box on the left.   We’re interesting in hearing from you and hope you’ll help us add more regional and ethnic expressions to the list.

Alone time
A rare but necessary commodity for females of all ages.  Alone time can be used for everything from applying a deep hair conditioner to arranging old photographs  (in which we assess weight losses and gains over the years, as well as “best of” looks), or simply day-dreaming about triumphs both personal and professional.  The end result of alone time is a satisfying feeling that all is well with the world and that important personal needs have been attended.  After a period of alone time, whatever problem has been stewing in the back of our brains usually has been solved – though we might not realize it until a few days later.

All  (As in, “I was all, and she was all, and then he was all.”)
An unfortunate tick in many younger women’s speech.  Often used in the following way: “So I saw Jennifer and she was all, ‘I saw you with Dan,’ and I was all, ‘Well, you’re not with him anymore’ and she was all, ‘That’s not the point.’”  See also: like and so.

Amazing (See also: Awesome)
Women pepper their speech with so many adjectives that once they’re removed from a sentence, there is hardly anything left.  Powerful little words like amazing and awesome help us make stories vastly more entertaining – after all, we’d rather get a Brazilian wax from a prison warden than earn a reputation as a bore. Adjectives are also handy for multiple compliments to the same person…they prevent us from repeating ourselves, as in, “Oh my God, your hair cut is awesome.  And that shirt?  Amazing!  Where did you get it ? And where in the world did you find those cool shoes?”

Bad hair day
This is a universal condition in which the specific date of the bad hair day, despite all the marvels of modern science and Doppler radar, can never be predicted.  Typically it falls on whichever days of the year it is most important for us to look good.  We are inconsolable during bad hair days and yet we nevertheless broadcast the bad hair day incident far and wide, lest anyone think we don’t know we look terrible.  You will never have to wonder if a woman is having a bad hair day; she will always tell you before you even notice.

Bronzer
Even if it’s February and we live in Cleveland, gals just know that those who look sun-kissed are more likely to get kissed.  So whether it’s s a lotion or a spray pump, a compact or a foam, we’ll plunk our money down to look like we’ve got the healthy glow of a professional tennis player.  Plus, everyone knows a tan takes off five pounds. This is a perfectly harmless endeavor and is not to be confused with Fake-n-Bake (see section “F”), the inexcusable practice of aging yourself via tanning beds.

Bloated
Bloating is a sad state of affairs caused by menstrual cycles and innocent girlish binging.  It’s also code for weight gain.  We’ll know darn well that we’ve eaten one too many pizza lunches at the office, but we’ll still say, “Gosh I could hardly button my pants this morning because I’m so bloated,” as if the weight gain is a temporary state caused by something beyond our control, like water retention.  Our friends go along with the self-delusion and nod in sympathy, knowing that “I’m so bloated” really means, “I’ve been eating like a pig.”
 
BFF
Best friends forever!  Typically used as a noun, as in “Katie is my BFF, or, ‘Don’t say anything mean about Holly in front of Susan, they are totally BFF.”

Black pants. 
The perfect pair is always elusive, but once found they can magically make hundreds of outfits out of whatever else is hanging in our closet.  Our lives are incomplete without the right pair. These magic pants can take us from day to evening; make us look sleek with a tailored jacket; and are always slimming enough to attract compliments that we will modestly deflect. 

Brazilian.  Two words:  ouch.  That was only one word, really, but it’s so painful it feels like two.  The South Americans have perfected this prisoner-of-war-worthy hair-removing technique that involves pouring molten wax onto the most sensitive and unmentionable areas of the female body.  Brazilians do it so they can wear dental-floss bikinis;  American girls have no such excuse and typically do it to please their men, who have been trained to enjoy this look by the last decade’s crop of hairless porn stars.

Brady, Marcia
She’s as timeless, cool and mysterious as the Mona Lisa.  For women of a certain age, Marcia Brady will always be the quintessential American teen -- beautiful and confident with a deeply suburban nobility.  She taught us to brush our hair 1,000 times a day; she gave us dreams of bringing celebrity dates to proms (where are you now, Davey Jones?) and she was a cheerleader to boot (poor Jan).  She knew how to handle her brothers, unselfishly helped unpopular girls make friends and never said the wrong thing in front of a guy.  Has there ever been a better female teen role model before or since?

Bathrooms (see also: restrooms)
A refuge for women in almost any situation.  Men often mistakenly believe that women have small bladders and ’have to go’ all the time.  This is wrong; there are many reasons for visiting a bathroom and a quick tinkle is only one of them.  This special room, behind closed doors, is where we can gather ourselves during a difficult date; obtain group therapy from our friends when there has been an incident at a party; and last but most definitely not least, make sure there is nothing in our nose or teeth, and that our hair is still holding up.  Most women loathe the presence of a bathroom attendant in fancy places.  It’s not that we’re unwilling to tip (Heaven bless these women for holding the lowliest of jobs); it’s just that we can’t ponder ourselves in peace when someone is watching us in our public-yet-private refuge.  We also can’t bear to pay for toiletries when we know any woman at the counter next to us would gladly give us a piece of gum or a squirt of hairspray for free.  It just feels wrong to pay for it.

Black
Our default fashion color, especially for evening wear and especially for clothing below the torso.  Black says everything and nothing.  It’s a can’t-miss color (except at weddings where it can be misinterpreted) and the easiest thing to grab when faced with a closet full of nothing to wear.  Typically, urban women wear too much black and southern women not enough (see: turquoise).

Babydar
Every woman knows someone who has this – a sixth sense that can detect the presence of an infant from 1,000 feet.   Once her prey is spotted, the woman with babydar will immediately squat down to stroller height and remark on the beauty of said infant, inevitably cooing and asking the mother all sorts of questions about her little pumpkin.

Bargain
Finding a bargain produces a deep welling of pride and satisfaction in women.   We love to tell our friends about the bargains we’ve found so they can find some too, and reap the rewards of our knowledge. There is no greater pleasure that recounting the bounty from the day’s shopping hunt and realizing how shrewd we’ve been with our credit cards.  Though it should be noted that exactly how shrewd one was is a very subjective thing, often disputed by the shopper’s male partner.

Breast Implants
We women can always tell.  Upon spotting fake breasts, we typically feel one or more of the following contradictory emotions:
*Fascination
*Fury
*Jealousy
*Admiration
*Disgust
*Love and hate for our own flawed but natural scoops of flesh

The lesson of fake breasts is this: women are complicated.

Bless Her Heart
A phrased used in the South to express sympathy for another woman, or to cleverly disguise an insult as an expression of concern, as in, “Did you see how big Lauren is now?  She must have gained 50 pounds, bless her heart.”

Calamari. 
This is a great appetizer for women to order on a date.

• It’s far more elegant than potato skins
• It says “I’m cultured and enjoy seafood”
• It’s easy to eat without getting food all over your face

Chardonnay
This is the default drink for any social occasion, serving several purposes for females: first, ordering it sounds feminine (men are rarely overheard ordering chardonnay), second, it keeps teeth from turning grey like the tastier reds do; and finally, no-one can accuse you of being a sleazy alcoholic if all you’re drinking is chardonnay.

Clutch pearls
Passed down from mother to daughter, this hand gesture occurs whether or not the user is actually wearing pearls.  Women invisibly “clutch pearls” – or put their hand to their upper chest/throat – when they hear shocking information.  An example: “See that lovely little girl singing in the front row of the choir?  She had leukemia five years ago and almost died, but now she’s perfectly fine.”  The appropriate response to this kind of news is an immediate clutch of imaginary pearls, and a sharp but breathy, “No!”

Cami
Short hand for camisole, and pretty much defining the irony of buying a see-through shirt so that we can wear a cover-up underneath it.  Women who don’t wear a camisole underneath a see-through shirt are called “strippers.”

Compliments (See also: gushing)
The chosen language of the American female.  Many a satisfactory afternoon has been passed by women doing virtually nothing but complimenting one another while listening to each other’s problems.  Giving a compliment, receiving a compliment, giving, receiving…it’s a delicious cycle and one that scientists say actually produces the pleasure-enhancing chemical oxytocin in our brains.  No woman who learns this will be surprised.  And the best part about compliments is that they work equally well whether given by your best friend or the stranger standing next to you in the grocery store. If you’re a man, and you’re confused by a group of gushing women, here’s how to interpret some common compliments:
“Nice to meet you, I love your outfit.” – means: “I like you already and think we can be friends.”
“Great to see you, I love your bag” – means: “I hope we can do business together.”
“It’s been too long, you look amazing” – means: “Please return the compliment.”

Chick Flicks:
Any movie starring Hugh Grant or Gwyneth Paltrow.  Also see: Steel Magnolias, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Sliding Doors, Notting Hill, Working Girl, Love Actually, Shakespeare in Love, Sound of Music, Legally Blonde (just the first one) and Mystic Pizza, for early shots of Julia Roberts looking less than perfect in teeth and body, but better in hair.  Chick flicks have a formula that leaves us inspired that we will find true romance, win the heart of the guy everyone wants, earn money and fame and find eternal happiness by the closing credits. What’s not to love?

Cold
We usually are.  Sometimes we’re really just a little chilly, but the discomfort can be distracting.  Generally speaking, guys aren’t ever cold.  This is a subject of heated debate in offices across the country.  (The conference room is too hot!  No it’s not!  Don’t touch that thermostat!) Hence the popularity of the pashmina, which can be worn in a very chic way over everything from jeans to formal wear and can fit into the smallest of bags.  See also: emergency pashmina

Celebrity rag
The literary equivalent of candy, women have been known to binge on these to the point of headaches and sore teeth.  This is the single favorite guilty pleasure of women who are at the beauty salon or airport.  Few things are more fun than seeing alpha females at the top of the corporate food chain reading about who’s fat and who’s not while they’re wet-haired in a swivel chair.  (See also: Guilty Pleasure)

Cooking.  (See also: heating)
Cooking is a lost art and we modern females are doing are best not to let it die out completely, but the odds are against us.  Not only do we have little time in the kitchen at the end of a frantic Tuesday, but with take-out being so cheap it often costs more to buy groceries and cook a meal than it does to dial our favorite restaurant and have something spicy delivered in 15 minutes.  Today when most women say they’ve cooked something for dinner, they really mean they’ve heated something for dinner.  It’s a true crisis in America and probably a big reason the obesity rate is so high.  (see related term: vanity sizing)

Day to evening
A garment that takes you from day to evening doesn’t actually exist; it is a fantasy perpetuated by women’s magazines.

Double Process (see also: Single Process).
This is the expensive science of coloring your hair two different but complementary shades of a color, so your mane will look completely natural.

Divorce (see also: Starter Marriage)
What were we thinking? How could our parents have let us marry him in the first place?  Fully 51% of the people reading this glossary will know what I’m talking about.  Let’s face it; marriage should be illegal for anyone under the age of 30.

Do…
as in “Do I Look Fat in these Jeans?”  “
Do you think my hair is too blonde?
Do you think he’s avoiding me?

The answer is always no.  We always ask anyway; and now you know the answer.

Directions
We’re never afraid to ask for them.  In fact, this tendency to ask for directions is one of the biggest differences between women and men.  Men think asking for directions is a sign of weakness.  Women think asking for directions is a sign of intelligence – a fast, easy way to find out where you’re going, and an opportunity to connect with another person to boot.  Asking someone is usually far easier than trying to read a map, and stopping at a convenience store is always a welcome opportunity to buy pretzels.

Details. 
We can never have enough.  This is why women can spend the entire day with each other and then still have more to discuss on the phone that night.  Take a look at the cover blurbs on women’s magazines: “800 ways to have the night of your life,’ ‘420 looks for summer,’ ‘165 ways to say I love you.”  We love the details…to us, the meat of any story lies in what most men consider inconsequential.   We’re also interested in details when we shop.  Does this car have adequate cup holders? Does this bikini have to be hand-washed?”  Men are interested much more interested in headlines than details, particularly about people.  It is almost impossible to imagine a man saying to another man, “Tell me all about your day,
Tom – and don’t leave anything out.”

Empowered
A word men don’t often find occasion to use.  We tend to use it quite a bit, especially in business and almost always in reference to decision-making power. Not to be confused with empanada, which is a very tasty Mexican pastry.
 
Exaggerations (See also: adjectives);
A harmless enterprise perpetuated by the female storyteller.  Remember the female mantra: death before a boring story!  Exaggerations keep the listener on the edge of their seat, and that’s just where we like ‘em.

Fat Clothes  (see also: Skinny Clothes)
Every woman you know has designated fat clothes in her closet.  These usually consist of one pair of jeans and one pair of work pants, with a long blazer (knee length) thrown in for good measure.  These are emergency rations for her inevitable weight gains, and serve as a reminder to her – particularly when she’s feeling cocky and thin after a good work-out -- that she can easily slip off the wagon.

Fake-n-Bake
Fake tans of the harmful kind…the tanning bed variety.  It’s in the same sin class as smoking.  The only possible excuse for this kind of behavior is an impending trip to Hawaii, in which the participant is going to the tanning bed only to prevent burning once in the islands.

Feelings. 
We like to talk about these.  Guys don’t.  We tend to exaggerate how we feel and say things like, “I almost died” to describe relatively minor incidents like dribbling coffee down the front of our blouse during a meeting.

Festive
An adjective used to greet women wearing seasonal sweaters, as in, “Marlene, don’t you look festive in your Halloween outfit. Nice pumpkin earrings!” 

Frizzies (see also: humidity) 
Women with naturally curly hair complain about these a lot, no matter how beautiful their hair is.  It’s not easy having natural curls in the summertime, and anyone who does must be given a wide berth and lots of sympathy.

Flattering
The #1 quality a piece of clothing must have in order to justify its purchase.  If it’s not flattering and won’t elicit compliments, then what is the point?

Five minutes –
Short-hand to describe how many more minutes we need to complete any activity of any kind.  Usually a somewhat optimistic prediction of the actual time needed.

Gauchos. 
Women, never be tempted.  Never, despite what you see on the fashion pages.  If someone tells you that you look good in a pair of gauchos, narrow your eyes and question their motives.  There is simply not a human being alive who can pull off these 16th century pantaloons.

Gay men
They are the perfect manifestation of everything we want in a man, with one major exception.  We adore our gay friends because they love to talk, they love to hug, they openly admire our chests and they have as much fun with fashion as we do.  They speak our language. (Note that gay men will always refer to hair gel as “product,” which means that our hearts and their hearts truly beat as one.) They help analyze our love lives in ways that girlfriends just can’t, and are a repository of sexual advice unrivalled in the animal kingdom. 

Girls Night Out
  An alcohol-fueled evening in which issues that cannot be discussed in front of men – usually because the issues involve said men -- are aired with mirth and merriment.  In the instances where the females involved have a male partner at home, GNO is one of the few outlets in which innocent flirtation can take place with the opposite sex in a bar or restaurant.  With the other women as your “wingmen,” GNOs are a great way to find out if you’ve still got it, without having to actually get it. To retain sanity in an ever-changing world, most red-blooded women need a GNO on a regular basis.  In fact, a really good GNO can soothe the soul for weeks, and serve as a reminder that you are still the same person you once were before you met your partner/climbed the corporate ladder/became a mother, etc.

Humidity:  (See also:  Frizzies) 
The enemy of curly hair.

Huge:
An extremely useful adjective for the female set, with many uses, such as:
Velvet is huge this year.  Or: These jeans make my butt look huge. 

Hemorrhoid cream
Most have us women have read that this works to reduce puffy eyes, but because of the danger of someone spying it in the medicine cabinet, we will never try it until we’re too old not to care if people think we actually have hemorrhoids.

Investment purchase. 
Women will often use this term to justify an exorbitant fashion purchase.  But an investment is something that increases in value.  When was the last time you went to a consignment store and saw something that’s more expensive now than it was originally?  (If you’re a man, you’ve probably never been to a consignment store anyway.)  The answer is never.  It’s just a term that helps women justify an expensive purchase.

I’m Not a Waitress
The great nail polish color from OPI that inspired legions of women to want to become nail-polish name creators for a living.

I.T. Hotline (See also: on/off button) 
The handy friend of working women all over the world, and men too, as evidenced by the success of Best Buy’s Geek Squad.

(in progress)

Kotex
what your father still calls any form of feminine protection

Little black dress.
  For some reason, a black cocktail dress must always have the word little preceding it.  See also:  “Perfect little black dress.”

Low Rise
An indignity in fashion, which must be endured.  Typically associated with celebrities like Tara Reid and Brittney Spears.  (see also: thong)

(in progress)

Nail Technicians
These hard-working women do a fabulous job, though we usually feel a slight pang of guilt at the sight of a small woman on her hands and knees tending to our grooming while we skim through the latest issue of Us Weekly.  And we always wonder what they’re saying to each other as they’re squatting below us.  We imagine it must be something like, “Can you believe how gross her toes are?  Did you see her hairy her legs…when was the last time she shaved?” In our hearts we know that whatever we’re imagining is true, and thus we are compelled to leave a generous tip

Nothing. 
As in, “I have nothing to wear.”

No Way
Obligatory expression of a woman listening to a dramatic story being told by another woman.

Not Hungry. 
There’s only a 20% chance that this is true at any given time.

Oprah
We admire her self-made success, we really do, but mostly we just dream of getting as rich as she is by just talking to people on camera.

Oompah Loompah
Someone who is way too tan. 

Oh My God.
Favorite three-word expression of young women.  Endlessly versatile and equally effective whether used while squealing for joy or whispering in hushed tones.

o.b. tampons
Unless you’re from San Francisco, it’s hard to meet a woman who’s ever used one.  Willingly.

On/Off
the primary switch that women use to fix a piece of technology that isn’t working.  (See also: I.T. Hotline)

Plump
We prefer to see this word only in reference to lips.

Porcelain
Unlike men, we use this word primarily in reference to Nicole Kidman’s skin.

Perfect little black dress. 
Something we’re always looking for, because the magazines tell us we’re supposed to have one.
  
Purse
The secret kingdom of all women.  One is never enough.  Come to think of it,   10 are never enough.

QWERTY
Women tend to know how to type with 10 fingers.  This is not always the case for men over the age of 35.

Raffia bow
Never knowingly used by a straight man.

Rationalize
The generous act of rationalizing your friends’ decisions is one of the most important foundations of female friendship.

Roots
Women use this word to refer to that unwelcome, unsightly natural hair peeking out from underneath an expensive dye job.

(in progress)

Tiny
As in, “She’s tiny.”  Shorthand for thin.

To die for
A compliment usually reserved for another female out of earshot; i.e., “Amy has hair to die for.”

Trying too hard
Always other people; never us

Thong
Not a flip-flop, unless you’re over 60.  Underwear designed to give the owner the feeling of a permanent wedge.  Notorious for shrinking in the wash and causing even more discomfort in the name of beauty.   But we have to admit, those old panty lines were pretty unsightly.

Vodka
Women’s classic liquor of choice.

Vanity sizing
Who are they kidding?

Work done
as in, “She’s had work done.”

Wax (see also: Brazilian)
Waxing Technicians
Whatever they’re paying them, it isn’t enough.

Your Worst Nightmare
A gorgeous woman whom the ex is now dating.

Yothers, Tina
She never looked like the rest of the kids in Family Ties.  We didn’t buy it.

Zeitgeist
A word almost exclusively used in conjunction with Madonna.